Why?

So for the last few days I've been wondering why I bothered to make this blog. It's not that I don't want to do it, obviously I do or I wouldn't bother. Nobody is holding a gun to my head saying "blog or I'll shoot". It's just that over the weekend I was reading some other blogs and I realized a few things, about bogging, about myself, and about the kind of people that read blogs.

I don't read any one blog regularly. I do search through now and then and look for "mommy blogs" because that's the type of thing I'm interested in. I always find myself amazed at how eloquently most mommy bloggers are even when they are talking about something like a poopy diaper. I don't think I'm ever going to be that good with words. I'm honestly a little intimidated by the thought of trying to blog in a world already filled with so many wonderful writers.

Let's just take a second to look at me. Who am I? I'm a mommy, let's just start there, because no matter what else I am, no matter if being a mommy has anything relevant to offer my current situation, it's always there. I'm not just any mommy either. I'm a stay at home mommy. Best, or maybe worst of all, I'm one of those obnoxious mommies who has forgotten how to have an adult conversation without talking about things like spit-up, poopies, boo-boos, sleep and how much I miss it, and pacifiers. I have mostly stopped talking to people who don't have, or at least want, kids. I just embarrass myself.

Who else am I? Well, I'm a Navy wife. This means that I sometimes go weeks, even months without seeing my husband. It means that sometimes, I go weeks or months without having a real conversation with another adult. It means that I have had to give up all my family and friends being close by, move to a strange state, make new friends, figure things out and be left all alone to do it. Just when I've found myself having new friends, knowing where the right exit for my Wal-mart is, and decided that I like sleeping on the sofa or in the middle of the bed, everything changes again. My husband comes home. We get orders to move again.

Being a navy wife and a mom has faced me with even more challenges. It's one thing to deal with being a Navy wife. It's another thing to be in a town you don't know, 8 hours away from family and friends, and find yourself alone with an 8 day old baby because the boat refused you're husband's baby leave at the last minute. It's almost impossible to explain to a 4 month old who loves his daddy more than anything why daddy hasn't been seen in over 2 months. Try having your husband miss your first child's first (and as we found out later, only) birthday. If you think that's hard, try making friends. Regular moms don't understand you. People you have been friends with for years will say things like "better you than me" or "I wouldn't have married him then" when you are in your darkest hour. Single moms won't sympathize with you, "At least you have help from your husband when he's home". They don't understand that he's never home, even when he is physically there, it's all about getting ready for the next time he leaves. They don't understand that it's one thing to be single with a baby and have the support of your entire family and all your friends, and it's quite another to be alone in a town you don't know with nobody, and no support and a newborn. So you look to other navy wives and hope to make friends. This option is much like trying to sit with the cool kids in the lunch room in high school without being invited. They all know each other already, they have their cliques and they don't need you. After all this, try explaining to yourself why you encourage him to stay in, and serve his country because it's a job he actually enjoys.

So I'm a mom, I'm a navy wife. I'm a daughter, a sister, a lover, a fighter, an activist, and a pacifist. I'm a personal chef, a maid, a tailor, a driver, a peace keeper, a bouncer, a dog walker/groomer. I'm a dreamer, an artist, the craft lady, a geeky girl gamer. I'm an electrician, a plumber, a painter, an exterminator, a financial planner. I am not a mechanic, but luckily my husband is. I wear many hats, I preform many jobs. I do most of them with a smile, because no matter how hard my life can be, it's also wonderful. I love my boys more than life! I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

I guess my point is that I'm a lot of things. There's a few things I'm NOT. I'm NOT a writer. I've never so much as kept a journal before. I'm dyslexic and even tho I have a decent vocabulary I'm intimidated by writing. I'm also very scattered and unorganized (if you haven't noticed). I'm not a photographer. I wish I had a better eye for the perfect pictures. I enjoy taking pictures, but I don't even really know how to work my camera, aside from the obvious point and click.

Of all the things I am, and am not, I wonder what makes me think I should be a blogger. Who in the world would read this mess? Especially in a world with so many well written blogs out there already. So far the answer is nobody. That's ok, I didn't expect any followers on the first day. I really don't expect that I'll ever have readers. But that kind of begs the question I've been asking myself, why bother?

For now the only answer I have come up with is that maybe blogging will make me a better writer, or a better photographer. Maybe I'll never be as eloquent and inspired as some of those pro mommy bloggers I love to read, but maybe someday I'll write something worth reading.